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The Rough Journey of Survival

A poetry book of lessons learned the hard way.


The Rough Journey of Survival

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Started on: July 04, 2015
Will close on: January 01, 1970 (03:00 AM GMT 3).

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Chapter 1: POEMS

Life in a Cell


Abnormal Journey





My Passion for Intoxication

My Alcoholism

Psychological Disorders

Wicked Drug

Consequences of Drugs

Influenced by Drugs

My Fear

Where Is the End of the Road?




My Mentor

The Power of Freewill




Surviving Life



Horrendous Memory

Confl ict

Abnormal and Normal Fears

Love after Death

Lost Love


Imperfect Families

What Is Righteousness?

Celebrating and Grieving

Feeling Guilty about a Deceased Person

Limited Friends

Pessimism over Pet Ownership

Right and Wrong

Choosing a Career Path


Virtuous Discretion



The Difficulties of the Real World

Why We Survive














































Life in a cell


As I sit in my cell,

I feel trapped in my own isolation.


When I become depressed,

My mind loses control as I lie on my bed.


As I imagine what life is like outside the gates of hell,

I feel like time is ticking by slower and slower.


No matter how much I sleep,

The clock still moves at a slow pace during my unconsciousness.


As I try to calm myself,

All I can think about is dying by a blade from someone else’s hand or my own.


I continue to survive because survival is my only option in order to see the sight of the free world.









As I’m drowning in my own misery,

I struggle to reach the surface of the water.


When I try to swim up to breathe in air,

External forces pull me deeper into the sea.


I will fight the obstacles of the sea because I want to survive.


When I am able to breathe in oxygen,

I am going to live a wonderful life.















Abnormal Journey


There are moments when I feel I am walking a lonely path.


My mind travels from reality to an unknown place.


I am considered abnormal when my mind is in a distant land.


I fear this state of mind as I struggle to get back to sanity.


When I return to earth, my mind is as sharp as a knife.


















When we are hurt through a wrongful act,

Hatred runs through our veins—fueling our desire to seek revenge.


Hatred is an uncontrollable emotion that distorts our thinking.


Untamed hatred causes us to seek revenge,

And we think vengeance is justified.


As we seek justice for our distress, will vengeance heal our pain,

Or are we still left with a scar?

















Every time I am looked upon as abnormal,

People glare at me as if I’m paranormal.


Because I take pills for being mentally ill,

Individuals still don’t understand that I have exceptional skills.


I am not a person that you should repel;

I just endured experiences as if I went through the gates of hell.


If you knew my personality,

You would understand that I have a normal mentality.
















Whenever I have a terrifying nightmare,

I punch and kick my wall.

And I am haunted and in despair.


As I’m unconscious in my scary dream,

I am reliving a horrible memory,

And I feel like I need to scream.


Because I’m very scared in my dreaded illusion,

I can feel myself breathing faster,

So this horrifying fantasy must come to a conclusion.


When I wake up from this fictional vision,

I feel a strong sense of relief,

But I am saddened because I encountered a dark collision.












Anger is like a volcanic eruption—

Ready to cause an enormous disruption.


This evil emotion causes fright that usually leads to a horrendous fight.


The consequence will be frail,

Because it will lead to serving time in jail.


We all must do what is right instead of committing actions out of spite.














My Passion for Intoxication


My passion for intoxication brings me joy.


With each sip, my mind travels to a distant land known as Ecstasy.


I love the feeling of alcohol—

Flowing through my veins like a rapid river running downstream.


When I return back to reality, depression leads to thoughts of suicide.


Each time my mind comes back from a foreign place,

Sobriety in the real world is tortuous.


Because this world is an unbearable place to live,

I drink every day to numb my emotions, so I can cope with life.











My Alcoholism


When I started drinking beer,

I would drink with my peers.


Within a year,

My alcoholism became very severe.


I no longer cheered;

In fact, I would shed many tears.


Because of fear, it became very clear—

I had to stop drinking beer.


I had to become sincere,

Or else the end was near.


I decide to pursue a career instead of drinking beer.









Psychological Disorders


I have been suffering from psychological disorders since childhood,

And that is why I committed a lot of acts that many people misunderstood.


I really wanted this misery to end for years;

Instead, I’ve shed many tears.


I am impelled to overcome the mental disturbances in my head,

Which is an agonizing pain that I dread.


Through therapy, I have overcome many impediments,

And I’m proud of my accomplishments.













Wicked Drug


Wicked drug,

You are like a poisonous bug.


You come in a form of a pill—

With the intent to kill.


We think you offer us sight,

But at the end of the light,

It is as dark as night.


All people have freewill,

So choose goodwill over a vile pill.













Consequences of Drugs


I have seen drugs ruin many lives during my life;

These substances cause harm like a sharp knife.


I wish that drugs like weed and speed never existed,

But individuals crave these substances they choose not to resist.


By consuming drugs, people are self-inflicting mental pain,

And killing important cells in their brain.


Drug addicts have many physical conditions,

And most illnesses derive from their addictions.


Individuals use drugs like a cane,

Because they think it will keep them sane,

But people can go insane,

And there is nothing positive to gain.









Influenced by Drugs


Peer pressure is a powerful force—

That should never be endorsed.


Every time we are influenced by our friends,

We usually commit actions that we do not intend.


Because we want to seek the approval of our peers,

Some people will execute unlawful acts out of fear.


If we reject the immoral deeds,

Then we can succeed by not taking drugs like weed or speed.














My Fear


My horrendous fear, is like a wicked spirit that I can hear,

Which causes me to shed a tear.


Sometimes I wish that I was dead,

Because I fear the terror that I dread.


Now I must expire the hellfire by conquering this treacherous barbed wire.


The battle might last all night,

But at the end of the fight,

I will be able to see the light.













Where is the End of the Road?


As I travel this distant land,

I ask myself, “Where is the end of the road?”


I’m hungry as well as thirsty,

And I need to find my destination.


I will pass out if my rigorous quest doesn’t soon.


What am I supposed to expect to happen when I reach my journey?


I don’t know what to expect,

But I have traveled too far to give up now.















The noblest action, known as sacrifice,

Is the toughest gift to contribute.


Sacrifices are never easy to surrender,

But we give up what is valuable because of honor.


I will sacrifice my possessions for my family in order to see their beautiful smiles.


If I see a homeless person street,

I will sacrifice a few dollars,

So he can have something to eat.


Most of all,

I will sacrifice my life to save an innocent person from dying.


Sacrifices are a gift that can never be replaced,

Which is why this act is so righteous.









We can take control of our own destiny,

Or our destiny can be an unknown journey.


We can make wise or wrong choices in life that can choose our path in life.


We can encounter a catastrophe in life that can change our path in life.


We can dwell on our destiny, but remember,

It is a continuing story that is yet to be told.
















I used to complain because I had limited sight—

Today I weep because my vision is as dark as night.


Because I am presently blind,

I must view the world from my imaginary mind.


I should have cherished this gift that has recently perished.


I was extremely vain—

Now I must live with extraordinary pain.


If I regain minimal sight,

I will appreciate the minimum light.












My Mentor


My mentor, a man who is very divine,

Was willing to die to save the fine soul of mine.


He always fought on the right side of justified pride.


Even though he is dead,

A fact that I really Dread,

I know he was led into heaven from his hospital bed.


He was a man who inspired;

Now he acquired all the dreams he desired,

And his love will never expire.













The Power of Freewill


As I witness people causing harm to other individuals,

I wonder if God really exists.


How can a righteous God let so much hatred persist?


Each time I search deep inside my soul,

I realize that God offers each person the power of freewill.


Every person has the choice to choose their own destiny.


We can choose to be a virtuous individual or an evil person.


If people choose righteousness,

They are offered kingdom of heaven.


If individuals choose wisely,

They are sent to a holy land called paradise when they pass away.










As I try to excel at my goal,

I struggle with enthusiasm to accomplish my objective.


I will swim the coldest waters or run through the fires of hell to achieve my task.


Even though quitting would expunge the agony,

I will continue because of determination.


When I excel at my goal,

Gratification from success will be worth the painful obstacles.
















Change is a like an unknown journey,

And the quest can be strange.


We were accustomed to the way we lived through our beliefs—

Now we are changing with a lot grief.


Alteration is a stressful adjustability,

But it’s changeability that is an important responsibility.


As we embrace the challenge of being adults,

The difficult obstacles were worth the successful results.
















Years ago, I was a rebel with many dreams,

But I was a depressed person with no self-esteem.


When I judge myself today,

I view myself as a beautiful flower blooming each day.


Instead of thinking like a pessimist,

I now believe in hope as an optimist.


I no longer live in a dark cave there is no light;

I live in a place where the sun is bright,

So I can see the world as a glorious sight.













Surviving Life


This world is like a sharp knife—

Ready to execute a person’s life.


Instead of committing immoral acts,

People should form virtuous pacts.


Whether it is day or night,

We should fight for a cause that is right.


If people do not persist,

They lose their to exist,

So people strive in order to stay alive.


We cherish our existence,

Which is a wonderful quest,

Until the day of eternal rest.


Then we can enter the holy gate,

Where there is no hate—

To a place that is so fine,

That it is very divine.



















Horrendous Memory


We all have experienced horrendous moments that we wish to erase from our memory; however, it is never easy to expunge memories from the conscience, especially when an incident has changed a person’s life for eternity. I have endured an adversity that has led to a catastrophe that I want to forget. I was able to suppress the exact memory of the crime, but the events that happened after the crime occurred make me feel like the traumatic event occurred just yesterday and my life will never be the same again. Even though righteousness has come out of this experience, I still wish that I could turn back time to prevent the incident. Unfortunately, there is no way to heal the wounds that I have inflicted on myself and other people. Now I have to start a new life without causing the same mistakes that I made in the past, and my new life is much better than my prior life.













It is impossible to escape conflict in this imperfect world; however, I used to be extremely determined to avoid any situation in which a conflict might occur. I am not a weak person who runs away from a fight because I’m afraid of getting hurt; in fact, I am a very powerful individual who can injure many people, but I choose to avert conflict because I’m afraid of committing a horrible crime that will lead to imprisonment. I already committed a horrendous act that led to time in prison. I had avoided fights until there was one I couldn’t escape, which is exactly what happened in June 2005. Because I am determined to elude another imprisonment, I will never again avoid conflict that will lead to a catastrophe; I will solve disputes through righteous methods.













Abnormal and Normal Fears


I am afraid of many irrational fears, but I don’t endure normal fears. Many people can easily watch a television show or ride on the bus or train. These three tasks are very difficult for me because I suffer from three anxiety disorders: generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and social anxiety disorder. On the other hand, if someone tries to attack me with a knife, I feel no fear and will have no problem defending myself. Every person I know considers my fear responses abnormal, and they are mystified by the bravery I experience in a dangerous situation. Why are my fears and lack of fear the exact opposite of many individuals? It is probably because I used to solve my problems though violence rather than through righteous methods. When I became an adult, I was uneducated about how to resolve my problems in a rightful matter, which has caused the traumatic stress that has led to developing three anxiety disorders. I now know how to solve problems in a virtuous way, but I still suffer from anxiety. My three anxiety disorders have improved, and through therapy, I will one day conquer my irrational fears.








Love after Death


If parents lose a child through death, can the mother and father replace the child? Obviously another individual cannot replace a person who died. The same concept applies to pet ownership. When my former dog Penni died from severe illness, my family relieved their grief by loving another dog named Roxy. Because I was still grieving over Penni’s death, I was incapable loving Roxy; in fact, I despised her because I thought loving her would disrespect Penni. I was determined to honor Penni by not adoring Roxy. However, I grew to love Roxy, and I wondered if I dishonored Penni by loving another dog. After analyzing emotions, I know that I didn’t disrespect Penni’s love because I will always love Penni, and I know that we will be reunited again in paradise.













Lost Love


My passion for alcohol has led to depriving myself of the feeling that I now crave: love. Because I was an immature person who lacked integrity, I tried to seek happiness through a vile substance that led to severe depression. In the past, I had a serious relationship with a woman I didn’t desire; instead of wanting her, I was determined to consume any type of alcohol for artificial gratification. When she wanted to watch a romantic movie in her home, I rejected her offer because my friends and I went to a bar. She was a wonderful woman who wanted to share a life with me. She accepted me for my good characteristics as well as my personal flaws—namely, my mental health problems. The biggest mistake that I committed in this relationship occurred when she told me she loved me; I told her that I didn’t love her. What is a man supposed to say when he doesn’t love a woman? I still don’t know the answer to that question. I knew that what she felt was love; unfortunately, I didn’t love her because I put my alcoholic demands first. Alcohol has caused me a lot of harm; it is one of the reasons why I was incarcerated in prison. However, going to prison is not what fills me with the most remorse; hurting a woman who loved me is the most shameful act I executed in my life. In the future, I will never sacrifice another chance to love a woman who wants to offer me joy and happiness.






Admiration and bravery are two elements of heroism. I consider my father a hero because he is an exceptional man who has tremendous courage, but he isn’t the typical hero that most people imagine when they think of a heroic person.


He is not a famous actor who is idolized for his handsome features. He is not a police officer who has saved lives during a hostage crisis. He is not a talented athlete who is praised for scoring the winning points in a championship game. He is not a firefighter who has run into a burning building to save a child. He is not a musician applauded for his popular music. He was not a soldier who risked his life for justified cause.


My dad is for protecting me from my worst enemy—myself. When I have a panic attack, he gives me the strength to control my fears. Every time I am afraid to be around people or afraid to be in a social situation, he gives me the courage to fight my terrible emotions. At the moment that I’m about to lose my temper, he knows how to control my agitation. Whenever I am intoxicated, he protects me from any harm that can happen. Most importantly, every time I am extremely depressed, he knows how to change my mood into happiness. He will always be my hero.


Imperfect Families


Many adults dream of having the perfect family, just like the characters on television shows such as The Brady Bunch.  When we become adults, we realize that this is an unrealistic dream because the fictional families on television are the exact opposite of reality. Unlike on television, life is imperfect. We should admit that our previous bad acts may have caused adversities within the family and led to rigorous circumstances. In the past, many people dwelled on the conflicts that we encountered within the family. Now, when individuals become mature adults, we should be capable of leaving the past in the past. We should all be able to have an excellent relationship with each family member and accept all of the imperfections within the family.













What is Righteousness?


When a person decides to perform a righteous act, is that individual really executing a virtuous deed? Some people will carry out a noble action for their egocentric needs. There are people who will fulfill a respectable deed to seek the approval of God. Individuals will accomplish honorable acts in order to expunge their sins from a guilty conscience. People will engage in ethical deed in order to experience a joyous emotion. When is an honest action actually righteous? A righteous act is honored a person completes a moral deed without a self-centered cause. An individual should never practice a decorous action if he or she is considering how the worthy act will affect his or her own demands. If every individual reenacts a righteous deed without a selfish ambition, this imperfect world would be a little closer to perfection.












Celebrating and Grieving


June 20 is supposed to be a day of celebration because it is my sister’s birthday; however, it is also a day of remembrance because my grandfather died on this date. It is a day of celebrating and grieving. Every year on this day, I express happiness for the reason that it is my sister’s birthday. I also grieve because it is the anniversary of my grandfather’s death, and I remember the as if it happened yesterday. A day that was supposed to be so wonderful for my sister is also now a day of horror. On the day grandfather died, I was smiling in the morning and early evening, but when I went to bed that night, I was grieving crying. My grandfather was a great man who served in the army during World War II. I will always remember him as a man of honor who as a man of h o loved me tremendously.












Feeling Guilty about a Deceased Person


My best friend’s father died while I was incarcerated in prison. I didn’t find out about the death until I was released from prison. I wasn’t there to comfort him or his family, and I feel extremely guilty for not offering them support. How should people feel when their best friend suffered from a traumatic experience and they weren’t available to help him or her with the grief? I know I shouldn’t feel guilt, but if I was able to support my friend, I could have helped him cope with his father’s death. He is still suffering from severe grief, and I feel that he wouldn’t be so traumatized now if I had been there to give him advice and emotional healing. Presently, all I can do is help him with his mental pain, and hopefully he can learn how to cope with his father’s death in order to live a productive life.


















Limited Friends


Competition is a common characteristic of an adolescent. Teenagers compete over many topics that can lead to controversy, especially an issue known as popularity. I have witnessed numerous acts that adolescents committed in order to be accepted by their peers. They perform loathsome acts, like fighting and speed racing, just to seek the approval of their friends. I saw people consume drugs and alcohol in order to gain the acceptance of their peers. Is having many friends who will encourage you to commit immoral acts worth sacrificing your future? After high school, most friends become acquaintances or the friendships become nonexistent. Today I have limited friends, but these friends helped me through all of my problems; they will always support me during my glorious moments as well as my horrendous moments. Choose your friends wisely and focus on your future.











Pessimism Over Pet Ownership


In the past, I thought that most men, especially fathers, were against pet ownership because they hated animals. I discovered that I had formed the wrong assumption when an unfortunate incident occurred: my dog Penni died. Now I know that males don’t have harmful intentions toward animals; they are against pet ownership because losing a pet through death is a torturous experience that no individual should encounter. Because of this unbearable pain, men avoid the opportunity to love a pet. Years ago, when my family and I first met Penni, every person except for my father was excited to have a dog living in the household. He was very pessimistic about having Penni. During that period, I couldn’t understand why my father didn’t want a cute dog like Penni. I had to witness Penni’s death in order to fully understand that his pessimism was derived from fear, not hatred. The lesson I learned from this experience is that I will never again criticize my father’s warm-hearted intentions.










Right and Wrong


Major fights with friends and family usually last long because each individual believes his or her cause is right and the other person’s objectives are wrong. Most of the time, both people are right and wrong, but in different ways. The problem is that some human beings are egocentric people who want to be right on every occasion, especially when it involves their pride. How do you resolve a conflict when nobody wants to admit their mistakes? First, you have to remember all those glorious moments that you shared with that individual, and then you have to ask yourself if excommunicating this person from your life is worth giving up extraordinary occasions in the future. If the answer is no, you have to discover a way to form a truce. Admit errors hopefully the other individual will confess to his faults. Friendship and love are too precious to abandon over one fight.











Choosing a Career Path


I hear many individuals say, “I hate my career.” People should choose a job that they will enjoy for the rest of their lives. This is not an easy task to fulfill, especially when a person is young. Human beings cannot predict the future, so it is hard to know if we are going to be happy with our careers for many years. We must conduct research as well as analyze our interests and disinterests to decide upon the right occupation. Presently, half the people I know praise me for my intelligence in social science studies and tell me that I should pursue work in a field such as social work. On the other hand, other people who know me say that I’m a very strong person who is well qualified to perform a trade that requires physical fitness. I’ve listened to many people offering me advice, and I am still confused about which career I will enjoy. Now I realize that I’m responsible for deciding my own destiny. When I discover a profession that I will enjoy for many years, I can truly say that I am one of the most fortunate individuals on earth.











Is remembrance beneficial or harmful? It depends on how much you dwell on the past. I lived a horrible life, but I do have some glorious moments. I had to erase my disastrous past from my conscience and be cautious of thinking about them, for they could lead to memories that cause frightful flashbacks. Because I am able to expunge my terrible memories, I can think about my future. Individual who lived a marvelous life but is presently living a horrible life will dwell on the past because that person has those memories that brought him or her joy. It is great to have moments that you can think about that were wonderful, but if individuals decide to live in the past, they won’t be able to resolve their problems and focus on their future. If you occasionally talk about great memories with friends or family, remembrance is beneficial. However, if you constantly dwell on your memories, either good or bad, remembrance is harmful.











Virtuous Discretion


Many people believe that they know how they are going to respond to a certain situation before the incident happens, but every person should expunge this belief from his or her mind; nobody can predict how he or she is going to respond to an occurrence until the event transpires. I used to assume that I would permit any kind of suffering in my sister for the reason that we had a loathsome relationship. In 2006, when my sister needed my help from a crisis, I surprised her as well as myself. It was a hot spring day, and while driving to my parents’ house, I saw her crying on the front stairs of the house. She told me that she had fought with her boyfriend and she didn’t have any money or a place to take a shower. At that moment, I had two options to decide between: I could express aggression toward her by letting her suffer, or I could pacify my anger and help her through her predicament. I decided to help her, because even though we had a horrible relationship, I loved my sister. I offered her money and asked her if she wanted to take a shower at my apartment. This at was the most virtuous decision I ever made in my entire life, and I now try to have an excellent relationship with my sister all the time.









Every person should try to understand other people’s mistakes for the reason that it is the best way to gain wisdom that one would utilize in the future. Unfortunately, my mother has mistakenly discontinued her relationship with her parents because of a minor conflict; as a result, her father died without forming peace with her. People who knew my mother during this period criticized her for this action. Rather than criticize, all family members should understand the situation and make sure this type action never happens again. The lesson I discovered is this: all families must reunite, because if a family doesn’t constitute truce between each other, they can lose the chance to pacify the controversy. Because I learned this lesson the easy way, I have great relationship with my parents as well as my siblings. I am a happier person for the reason that I’m now seeking righteousness with family members rather than seeking vengeance against them.











Progress can be a long process that is hard to achieve, especially when the objective is a very hard task. Usually there are difficult obstacles that slow down progress and cause an individual to give up on his or her goals in life. You can overcome almost any rigorous adversities to achieve your intentions in life. If you can’t handle the hardships of the task you are trying to perform, then you probably not ready for the challenge. Almost anybody can progress to achieve his or her objective, but one has to possess self-discipline and determination in order to gain success.
















The Difficulties of the Real World


Since I was a child, I have been surviving in this difficult world through vicious actions. It is easy to live a life based on violence when a person is a kid or a teenager. However, once an individual evolves into a legal adult, which is age eighteen, a life established on aggression will no longer be accepted by society, and especially the justice system. I tried to become an ethical when I became an adult, but I was a feeble-minded person who only knew how to solve my adversities through hostility. As a result, I suffered severe consequences because I couldn’t adjust to the norms and values that ordinary citizens comply with every day. Eventually the justice system didn’t want to offer me any more chances, and I spent fourteen months in prison. I am currently living a life based on righteousness while learning how to cope with the difficulties of the “real world.” h is world will always be a difficult place to live, but if young individuals focus on their education and become righteous persons at an early age, life as an adult might not be as difficult.









Why We Survive


How does each person survive the difficult hardships in his or her life? People survive because survival is the only option. If all people were unable to resist their adversities in life, they would die. Sometimes the pain endured can lead to thoughts about suicide, but most individuals find a way to conquer their tragedies because they realize that life is too precious to lose. This world is very complex and human beings are not perfect, but people still demand perfection in an imperfect universe. There are many of complications that a person can suffer from every day—disease, poverty, persecution, and psychological disorders. I have suffered from many obstacles in my life, but I am surviving because I cherish my existence. An individual can survive almost any circumstance if they desire life.













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